Where to Eat
From The Tough Guide to Bordertown
The Soho neighborhood in Bordertown is full of restaurants good and bad, human and elvish, legal and not. They open and close and change names and menus and owners so fast and frequently that even we have a hard time keeping track. What follows is a short list of favorites compiled (and argued over) by the Tough Guide staff, weighted in favor of joints that have been around for a while and so might possibly last until next Tuesday....
The Hard Luck Café
(838 West Ho): The food depends on who is doing the cooking (if it's a big guy with a buzz cut, then back out fast), but it's usually good, occasionally great, and for classic B-town atmosphere it can't be beat. The Hard Luck is one of those places where you'll see just about everyone you know if you sit there long enough. Open 24 hours, 7 days a week, and (hung-over club patrons take note) breakfast is served all day.Taco Hell
(23 West Ho): A Soho institution for all the best reasons: it's cheap and cheerful, it's racially tolerant (as are its customers or they aren't welcome back), and the beer is blessedly cold. Order the fabled Meltdown Burrito, which has the power to release endorphins and remit sins. Try one and become enlightened. Your tongue will grow back, promise.OMGWTFBBQ
(10 Onion Road, formerly BOS on Gulliver Lane): Another good place for fans of hot, hot food (as we are here in the Tough Guide office, did you notice?), this is the best barbecue you'll ever have eaten, bar none. Ignore the scary ambience, the kitchen is clean and the food is worth it. There's no menu. There's only one thing to order here. Who'd be crazy enough to want anything else?Cafe Cubana
(Ho Street at Oshun Way): Okay, so it's not so much a restaurant as a coffeehouse and tea shop—but don't let that stop you if you're hungry, since there's cake and pie and it's all insanely good. You'll find any variant of tea that you're looking for, from Earl Grey to Asian rarities to herbal blends to gritty elfin brew, and the coffee (although pricey, as it always is here on the Border) is the best this side of Milano. Our favorite part of Cafe Cubana is the floorshow: your host(ess), Screaming Lord Neville, has a collection of shoes and gowns that would be the envy of any screen goddess.The Mock Turtle
(blue door, Mock Avenue Mews): If you're hankerin' after your mom's home cooking, this "squatter's cafe" is the place to go—whether your mom is human, halfie, or the Queen of Elfland, they've got it covered. The only catch is that it's hard to find, even when you've been there many times before. Look for a narrow, unmarked lane that runs behind Mock Avenue—at the northern end, where it joins with Ho. Keep looking 'til you find a bright blue door. (There is no sign.) The Turtle's door is never locked, so go on in and grab a table.Vates
(Stone and Third): If you're from the Realm, you'll know exactly what Vates serves and where the cook was trained the minute you step inside; folk have been known to burst into tears when Vates' smell of the True Realm hits them. If you're human, the name is pronounced vah-tays, and it's not the elfin cuisine you're used to. You'll probably find it a little bit...odd. But tasty too. Be bold.Ozeki
(997 East Ho): They call their menu "Japanese-elfin fusion," which sounds dire but tastes divine. The sushi here is particularly recommended. Be sure to ask which Border fish is safe for humans and which is not.Godmom's
(Second and Puck): The best pizza in Soho, and a free wish with every order.The Eighth Street Cafe
(Eighth and Puck): Not good, but cheap, cheap, cheap and therefore useful. It's a mom-and-pop place where the owners speak none of the common Bordertown languages, so be prepared to use hand gestures and to eat whatever you end up getting. Open only for dinner (sunset to moonrise), it is virtually unheated so bundle up warm. The menu (in English and Elvish) looks extensive, but the only items that are ever actually available are the daily specials. Avoid Tuesdays (when the special is always Mad River Fish), and you won't go wrong.Hell's Bells
(next door to Hell's Gate): Okay, we thought it was mad to open a restaurant in this derelict, dangerous part of Soho...but with food this good there's always a crowd hanging 'round the door waiting, so there's safety in numbers. Favored by exiles from the Realm, there's a smoky-back-room feel to the place and the air is thick with politics and discontent—but the chef is French, not elvish, and serves classic Parisian food at Soho prices. A real find.The Mad River Café (101 Carnival Street): It's not actually on the Mad River, folks, it's just down the street from the Dancing Ferret—but you'll feel like you're eating dockside due to a great illusion spell. The food is no illusion, however. Prepared by Soho's own Liza Malone, one of the hottest young chefs in Bordertown, it's a brand new style of Border cuisine—complete with strange ingredients from the Nevernever, interwoven spells, and sound effects. The style is catching on in other kitchens, but Liza is the original and the master. Uptown folk have discovered her cafe and it's harder to get in the door these days, but if you're from the neighborhood you'll get preferential seating (and dramatically cheaper prices too).